Musings of a Melancholy Mind in Limbo

It’s hard to become oblivious to what’s going on in this world and simply enjoy your life. But sometimes I feel like it’s the only way to survive. I’ve tried to steer clear of politicizing my blog since I started it. Everyone who knows me knows too that I have VERY strong opinions on most things, and politics is no different. But after spending a large chunk of my 20s embroiled in student politics, and having my illusions shattered and my heart broken by what I felt was my own personal failing in smashing the status quo and heralding in a new world order that was JUST, and GOOD - I took several steps back.

I stopped reading newspapers, I actively stopped watching the “News” on TV (although the term “News” should be used very lightly – biased propaganda does not a news report make). I immersed myself in everyday living: partying, relationships, a typical selfish existence which most of us lead. Moving to Asia also made it easier to slide into political oblivion – I could quite easily avoid paying attention to news that was speaking to me in Mandarin! Sure, there was always cable TV and English-language newspapers to turn to – but I didn’t WANT to know. The really important stories would filter into my world anyway – from my knowledgeable and intelligent friends. I would still get involved in debates, but less vocally, less heatedly.

It infuriates me what is going on in the world. It is shameful that the world is run by GREED. Money = power. More money = more power. Wars are waged on ridiculous premises, all in the name of the great god of our capitalist world: MONEY.

Or even better – RELIGION. Because THAT’S what your god wants you to do – KILL EACH OTHER. Hate breeds more hate… breeds more hate… ad infinitum. The knowledge that religion and spirituality is about LOVE – for the Universe, for each other, for our world, for whatever god you believe in – seems to be entirely lost on most members of the major religions these days.

I remember coming home 3 Fridays ago to news that there had just been a devastating earthquake in Japan and an ensuing giant tsunami, and that the Philippines was at risk of being hit by another giant tsunami in a few hours time. There’s nothing quite like suddenly facing your own mortality to make you re-think things. For a few short hours, I was plunged into depths that I had been refusing to plummet for so long, forced to really LOOK. With wide open eyes. The picture was chilling.

A few days later, after the threat of the tsunami had passed here in the Philippines, the news-media was suddenly awash with a new threat: that of a nuclear disaster. Alarming texts were being sent around Asia – warnings of radiation poisoning, how to avoid it, what to do in case of emergency… It was terrifying. This dark, imperceptible threat loomed large upon the Japanese horizon, no-one knew exactly what was going on, whether there was a cause for concern or not, what the fallout would be.

I found myself dwelling on things that I haven’t allowed myself to think too deeply about for a long time. I fear that if I do, I will begin to drown in the sadness. The fact is – we are KILLING our world. Nature is being destroyed at an alarming rate. I don’t need to start quoting statistics about sea life being wiped out by over-fishing, about animals becoming extinct daily, about pollution and waste and deforestation and and and…!!! Not to mention all the socio-political NONSENSE. It's abhorrent. Politicians lying to their populations, wasting money on war, instead of feeding their people, relying on distraction and dishonesty to push their selfish agendas at the expense of the masses... Children starving, homeless people, poor and desperate souls all over the world… It's enough to break your heart.

I remember when I was in India – by far the most difficult country for me to travel through, as I felt every day like I was being bombarded with sadness. In India it’s tangible. You smell it, you see it, you live it. I remember waking up every morning and talking to myself, steeling myself for the day ahead, giving myself pep-talks about how I wasn’t going to be sad about what I see, about how I need to block out the poverty and misery, and focus instead on the beautiful things: on the bright colours of the clothing draped elegantly, on the sound of the women’s anklets as they jingled down the street, on the kindness of the strangers who insisted on sharing their lunch with me on trains, on the bright smile of a child waving from a platform.

I see my month in India as a metaphor for my life. I once wore only black. I had multiple facial piercings which I hid behind, and an aggressive hardness that I used as a shield. All the while inside I was drowning in a way that only an over-emotional, romantic young philosopher can drown within themselves. I lamented, I wept, I sank. And then I learned that that attitude was pointless. It wasn’t helping me, it wasn’t helping the world. I accepted that the impact that I make on this world, and the way in which the world presents itself to me, is entirely dependent upon ME, and that I must make of it what I can, and what I will. So I started wearing bright colours. I started covering myself in - and surrounding myself with - things that shine and sparkle. I became frivolous and flighty and flippant. And it was wonderful, and liberating, and FUN!

But it wasn’t ALL me. It was real enough, it just wasn’t complete. And that’s what I’ve been realizing in the past year or two. I am trying to balance the sides, the energies, the dark and light, the troubled intellectual and the fanciful flake. The scales, I find, seem to sway heavily to one side… almost all the way down… before the balance changes again. Perhaps one day it’ll be only slight sways from one side to the other? Eventually, what I hope will guide me is my profound optimism, my unshakeable hope, and an unerring belief that somehow – ALWAYS – everything will turn out fine. Because really – what else CAN we believe in?

Sending love and light to you all, wherever you are in this world. xoxox