(Wednesday, January 15th, 2014)
I believe in signs. I believe that there are both big and small things that we see if we only open our eyes. I love living in a world where some things are inexplicable, where magic exists, where things are both what they appear to be – and more than they appear to be.
Today I had a visitor in my room. I found an itty-bitty little scorpion on the floor. It's amazing that I saw him at all - he was literally the size of my fingernail! So cute!
He didn’t move when I gently nudged him, so I carefully picked him up with a tissue, placed him on the bed, and took loads of photos of him until I got just the right angle, gently manoeuvring him this way and that. When I was done, I put him on a tissue on the counter in order to put him outside. No sooner had I turned around to put down my camera, than my little visitor had disappeared! He’d been pretending all along! I found him not far from the tissue, carefully caught him under a glass, stared with fascination for a few seconds at the movements of his little claws and legs, and his beautiful markings, and then released him into the gardens outside.
The reason for my excitement and sheer DELIGHT at this discovery, other than the fun of being so close to nature again, is simple: my father’s zodiac sign was Scorpio – something of which he was very always very proud. He collected all manner of scorpion memorabilia: key-chains, belt-buckles, necklaces. He got a scorpion henna tattoo on more than one occasion on holiday, and even had a picture of a scorpion on his bedroom door (small wonder I turned out the way I did, with two wildly eccentric parents like I have, come to think of it… )
I like to think it was my dad's way of saying “Hi!”. It made me really happy.
The world is so beautiful if we just remove the layer of cynicism which we’re conditioned to place over it. I think that's why I love teaching preschool so much too – children have such a sense of wonder and awe, they believe in light and magic and goodness. How perfect!
What’s been really interesting for me this holiday is how much I have been dreaming. I almost never remember my dreams in everyday life. I sleep deeply and peacefully, my mind calm (or so I think). Here in Thailand, I have been having incredibly vivid dreams every night. And it’s about things that are realistic, and current. I dream about work, and about changing jobs, I dream about my life and my relationship and my friendships. For the first time in a very, very long, I am being allowed a glimpse into the machinations of my subconscious mind, and it’s quite startling. For one, it’s becoming increasingly apparent to me that I am not completely at peace, even though I dearly wish to be. I need to sort through the gunk and get to a serene space. I am at odds with how I wish to be, and only I can change that. I lack physical stimulation in my life. I need to go back to dancing, perhaps join some yoga classes, or maybe even pick up martial arts again. I miss feeling strong and powerful, I miss feeling like an invincible machine. This will be the year of regaining power – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
Luckily, yesterday’s food poisoning incident seems well and truly behind me, but I was still really careful today and all but skipped both breakfast and lunch (except for some watermelon and pineapple slices in the morning). Today was a GORGEOUS sunny day, and I literally did not move from the beach all day. Finished my second book and started on my third, and spent a lot of time in the water, just staring at the greens and browns and blues around me. I remember when I was little and we’d go on holiday I would always stay in the sea for a-a-a-a-a-a-ges. It was my favourite thing. I used to think that I was a mermaid, and that I’d grown legs because I had been out of the sea for too long, and if I just stayed in the water for long enough... then I’d grow my mermaid tail back again...
I finally made a new friend today while waiting for the sunset, which is why I have some pictures of me in Railay, eventually! (My attempts at a selfie had me either cutting out the background, or half of my face. Not ideal.) Caridad is Nicaraguan but she lives in the States, and is celebrating her 1st year anniversary to her Indian husband in Thailand. They were with two Korean girls whom they’d met on the boat coming over, and we started chatting because they were sitting on the sand next to me, and her laugh was so infectious that it made me start laughing too! We had some drinks as we all watched the sunset together, and then I politely declined when they invited me to join them for dinner. I’d had a burger earlier (avoiding Thai food for a day seemed wise) and I’m quite enjoying my solace and solitude, to be perfectly honest.
Tomorrow’s my last day here! I think I may try to catch the sunrise again…